How to Grow a Sexy Beard

It is time to grow that sexy beard of which you have been dreaming about for years. Beards have been a part of every society since the beginning of time. Beards carry strong cultural meaning and are typically sources of great power.

Photo Credit: Mac_NZ

How to Grow a Sexy Beard

By the way – I realize this post is a far cry from my usual ramblings. Smile! Everyone needs a fun read every now and then. 🙂

Beards are cool. Beards give you an incredible swagger. Beards can be sexy, if grown properly. There are at least 15 different styles of beards (according to Wikipedia) with common characteristics, though you could always customize your own style.

The 15 styles include the full, chinstrap, sideburns, Donegal, Garibaldi, Goatee, Junco, Hollywoodian, Reed, Royale, Stubble, Van Dyke, Verdi, Neck beard (Neard), Soul Patton, Mutton Chops, and Stashburns.

For our purposes we’ll focus on the George Clooney, which I’m identifying as halfway between the stubble and the full. George Clooney has won People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive award twice, so I think he’s qualified to represent a sexy beard.

I have some personal interest in this blog post because I have recently begun growing my own beard . . . again. I’ll post pictures if I don’t turn into a yeti.

“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless boys and women and I am neither one.” – Greek saying

According to Wikipedia, ìIn the course of history, men with facial hair have been ascribed various attributes such as wisdom and knowledge, sexual virility, masculinity, or high social status; and, conversely, filthiness, crudeness, or an eccentric disposition. In many cultures, beards are associated with nature and outdoorsmen.î Personally, I’m a big fan of all these descriptions. Beards have incredible breadth and flexibility. FYI, the study of beards is called pogonology.

Remember the episode of Family Guy when Peter grows a mustache? Peter claimed that he joined a special community, that his mustache consumed his entire personality, and that people with mustaches look out for each other. He was right on the money. However, beards by themselves are not sexy.

If you are sexy without a beard, you are much more likely to grow a sexy beard. So, if you don’t currently consider yourself sexy, work on that first. Or, just grow a beard to cover up your face and create your own sexiness. Either way, just don’t blame me if your beard makes you look worse than where you are now.

Beards are a source a pride and you should be prepared to get some attention. Maybe you’re growing a beard to boost your confidence. Maybe you’re growing one so that no one will notice you. Maybe you’re bored or simply too lazy to shave. Whatever your reasoning, if you decide to grow a beard at least be ready to make it as sexy as possible.

1. Plan the Beard in Advance

Before you begin your bearded adventure, get some advice from the bearded experts. This shouldn’t be too hard. Go to any public place and find a guy with a beard you really admire. Make sure it is well-groomed or at least closely resembles the look you’re going for. Be careful not to stalk anyone in the process. Also, don’t worry about asking strangers questions about their facial hair. I’ve never met a guy who didn’t like to talk about himself. You will make the guy’s day by simply asking him how he managed to create such a stunning piece of artwork on his face. Once again, be careful how you phrase that question.

2. Share Your Plan with the World

Get on facebook and put an ad in the newspaper. Let everyone know your plan to make magic with your hair follicles. People like to hear about others who are taking their life by the horns and kicking ass. Announcing that you are growing a beard should yield the same reaction as climbing a mountain, running a marathon, or taking off your training wheels. Alternatively, you could grow the beard while on an extended vacation and show it off when you get back. Your choice.

3. Start with a Clean Shave

To maximize the sexiness you’ll need even growth from beginning to end. Start the process by shaving every hair off your face completely. You’ll also want to get a haircut that same day to really have a clean starting block. Take pictures and celebrate. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today you have shaved for the last time. The sexy beard awaits you.

4. Buy a Beard Trimming Kit

Without the proper resources you may as well consider yourself Al Gore after the 2000 election. Sexy beards are intentional. In other words, George Clooney didn’t accidentally end up with a sexy beard, he made it happen. He took care of it and groomed it to perfection. Beard trimming kits are cheap. You can probably get one at Kmart for less than $15 bucks. I would recommend investing in a nicer one. Don’t let your finances, or lack thereof, stand in the way of your dreams.

5. Let it Grow

Don’t touch the trimming razor . . . yet. Beards grow faster in the summer and the overall speed is greatly affected by your genetics. This is the phase where others will begin to take notice. Enjoy the moment. This is where people you know will begin to question your sanity, compliment you on your awesome decision, and/or give you peculiar looks when you’re stroking your own face way too often. Try not to look in the mirror too often because your natural inclination will be to shave something, trim a stray hair, or get rid of it completely. Just let it grow.

6. Trim Conservatively

After a few days or even a couple of weeks of growth you may want to begin the trimming process. Depending on what style you chose in the beginning, now is the time to begin to cleaning up the mop on your face. Clean up the neck hair and begin to trim around the edges to give it shape. Do not shorten the hairs anywhere. Just clean up the edges, unless you’re going for the authentic George Clooney, then leave the neck hairs unscathed. After a few weeks or possibly a few months, depending on your preferred length and the speed your hair grows, you will need to bust out the trimming tools and make the hair length even across the entire surface. This is when the beard finally takes shape and you can witness your masterpiece.

7. Show it Off

Ta-Da! Your sexy beard should be complete and it’s time to take pictures again. Don’t forget to share the pics on facebook and annual holiday cards to the entire extended family. This is a moment of pride and joy, like a college graduation or a real bad-ass bar mitzvah. Never forget the moment you decided to grow the beard. You evolved that day and now you get to revel in your progress. Congratulations.